Wanted

Have you seen this word?

Embarrassment

Embarrassment is wanted for questioning

He is described as a long word
With a characteristic E at the beginning
He is thought to have sneaked out

about 2.30 on Tuesday afternoon

grabbed Inspiration and throttled him

This lead to the death of an innocent Poem

There is no evidence; the corpse has been rubbed out

Detectives are looking into the grooves

Useful information for Pupils 2

Things teachers say:

· What do you think you’re doing? This is not actually a question at all. Do not fall into the trap of explaining yourself. Merely apologise and put the hamster back in its cage.

· When you’ve quite finished. Anything else you’d like to do or can we start working now? Note these are trick questions and there are no correct answers.

· That’s really interesting. This either means stop interrupting or I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about.

· Which comedian wrote this on the board? Warning this does not imply your teacher feels you have a brilliant career ahead of you making people laugh. He wants revenge.

· Pay attention – should not be accompanied by a note requesting money.

Cover Up

The recent gravity machine's
malfunction left ancient listed
seas all floating - out
in - outer space

Someone's unplugged the polar
fridges. A form of damage
limitation. But it went out
the same way as the rest

The National Federation
for Discussions of Important
Decisions Not Decided or
Resolved: ruled it no good

to tell the workers, all
that needless panic and sent
a spray can into space to
paint the planet blue

Cross Purposes

Silence class 9B
SILENCE!
Does no one understand
the word Silence?
Do I have to get a dictionary
and spell it out for you?
I don't know It's...
It's as if you and I speak
a different language
No Simon Jones
I don't need
A DICTIONARY

Killing Time

He'd always been ordinary
Clothes, muted beige
The porcelain cup
with a picture of a cat
meant just that
no significance
Training shoes
some supermarket brand
stitched by children
in Deli - probably
His morning was grey
often they were
he couldn't seem
to start his car
But apart from
emptying the last
of his cash, into
the open hands of a
tramp and the illusion
of creeping damp
everything's normal
yet there it was
his watch had stopped
at twelve o'clock
Just like his own ticker

Dr PetTifogger’s Dictionary of Strange Pets

Pet Al
Small and colourful creatures, do not like frost.

Pet Ition
Only for the knowledgeable pet owner, as if not properly trained it will insist on stopping people in the street to ask questions.

Pet Lip
Rather mischievous will stick itself out and trip people up, never let your granny take one to the park.

Pet Rifying
A pet for those with a strong stomach, clearly not for the young or nervous.

Pet Rochemical
Not an easy pet to keep if you have a small garden, when fully grown may become poisonous and attempt to escape.

Pet Ticoat
Definitely for those who like their pet with frills, comes in a variety of colours to match every outfit.

Pet Ty
Small and nervous creature, which likes to complain about almost everything, only handle occasionally and provide a mixed diet.

Pet Ulant
Rather sulky pets, but otherwise harmless. Must not be confused with a Petul Ant (small poisonous insect).

Pet Unia
Popular with those who like a colourful pet. Used to a hot climate, so will require a warm jumper or heated plant-pot to sleep in.

A Little Madness

“And this is Joe Smiles reporting from Steel Arches primary school. It’s a tense moment as the substitute is brought onto the pitch.

But wait a moment it looks as if the substitute is going to be Wiffy’s gran.
She’s bending down on the touch line, it looks like she’s getting something out of her enormous handbag. It’s a machine, it looks like a gigantic knitting machine. Is that allowed? Yes the refs let it go. Well she hit him with it actually and tore up his yellow and red cards.

She’s switching it on she seems to be knitting a scarf, first it’s black then it’s white then it’s black again. It’s getting bigger and bigger it must be a scarf for the whole crowd.

But no the scarf seems to have come to life it’s tearing down the inside it’s knocked over Billy Jenkins and swallowed the ref and the first-aider is helping him off the pitch. And no I don’t believe it it’s caught up with the ball and it’s actually dribbling.

No one can believe it it’s a clear playing field and an open goal. Look it’s scored! What a legendary goal.

But it hasn’t finished yet no it’s filling the goalmouth it’s swallowing the goal and the goalie. Oh no it’s coming this way it’s wrapping its self round my feet. It’s up to my middle and this is Joe Smiles re-ooble ugh ooble.

And here is a news flash: a scarf has completely covered Steel Arches primary school. Police have managed to halt its rampage and save the town by confiscating knitting wool from an unnamed pensioner. They are presently unpicking the area for survivors.